quick rant: some pet peeves in fic

I have read fan fiction since probably 2004, in the 6th grade. The first one I ever read was posted on a Teen Titans forum. It was a Robin/Starfire one called "the ties that bind" and Starfire's nipples were memorably likened to pebbles. Thanks, my ol pal Caitlin, for sharing that, locking that into my permanent psyche and setting me on this journey.

I did indeed write a bit myself during あのころ but it was not very good and was not very interesting (asides from a slightly fun Code Lyoko self-insert haha). I am first to admit I am a terrible fiction writer. I simply don't really think or imagine in terms of literary or narrative flow. That being said, I have read infinitely more than I have produced, and I have some thoughts. I don't feel a need to call people out or complain in comments when I run into these problems. Writers are free to post whatever they want and I'm not paying you, so there's no expectations and therefore no right for me to complain. However..... I want to complain privately and without naming names. I'll name my three two pet peeves though. Here they are:

1: It's OK If You've Never Had Sex before, But At Least Do Some Research

Obviously, people can write about things they haven't experienced. Duh. No one's experienced 99% of the world and it'd be boring to read about what we have. But, you have so much to learn on the internet, my guys. There's literally a reddit thread for anything, even the smallest of questions. There's really no excuse anymore to not know how a hickey works, how genitalia work, even what lube options there were in the past.

I said I wasn’t going to name names, and I'll stick by that, but I have to share a particularly harrowing experience. I once read a fic set in ancient Korea. Supposing a lack of modern latex-based lubricant, and perhaps extrapolating on the true historical precedent of olive oil in the ancient west, the author settled on what was assumed to be the next best thing available to an ancient Korean: sesame oil.
... like, CAN YOU IMAGINE. It'd be so EXPENSIVE! YOU'D NEVER SMELL ANYTHING ELSE ever again. It took me about 5 years before I stopped thinking about it EVERY time I smelled sesame oil.
Incidentally, before you (my dear reader) fall prey to the same mistake, let me educate you. Ancient Korean, Japanese, and Chinese people used something called Carrageenan, which is basically a super goopy gel coming from red seaweed. It would be dried out, powdered, and bought in a little paper packet. When it was time to use it, you'd get it wet with saliva. Having personally never interacted with it, I imagine it's got that neba-neba feeling that okra or natto has. Good period drama BL will have it. No need to smell like dinner.

I'm not even against the idea of suspension of disbelief. Like, this is fiction. It's fictional pornography. If I wanted realistic, I'd be going somewhere else. I don't really want to think about the gnarly specifics of some particular modes of intercourse, for instance. I just think one ought to operate within a window of realism that won't catapult me into permanent confusion. In the end, if you have any doubts or even if you don't, can't hurt to watch some porn or do some searches. Might give you some ideas or something.

2. Banned Words - Considering the Colloquial Implications of a Polytheistic Culture

Curiously, I'm finding myself a bit alone in this stance. I was shocked that this was a somewhat unpopular hill to die on. And yet, here I am and here I'll stay.
Why is it that, when operating in a world where there are multiple gods, English fic writers feel the need to translate typical English swears or emphasizers into polytheistic ones. For instance, let’s say you’re reading a Final Fantasy VII fic. In FFVII, there are multiple god-like summons. So, instead of the real-world-typical “Oh my god”, you’ll oft see “oh my gods”. Or instead of “Oh, Jesus Christ”, you might read “Oh, Shiva” or somesuch. And I never want to hear like a “shiva’s tits” or something. What do people say in real life?? “Lord’s tits”????
This drives me absolutely crazy. It’s worse than Problem Number 1 because at least that one makes for a funny story. Here’s what I am reeling with after reading an “oh my gods”: 1) Why should we assume that this culture would take issue with saying their gods’ names in vain? This is making a lot of assumptions. At that point, one would have to simply come up with new swear words. A fun creative writing challenge! Perhaps something along the lines of likening someone to one of the monsters found in the world? Or simply exercising your writing chops to use words instead of expletives?? Maybe I’m over-reacting but you see it once and you start seeing it everywhere. It’s like a disease. I might have to simply accept that I’m the only one with the problem and just white-out my brain whenever I see it. However, I think it will always remain a kind of indicator of a writer’s amateurism.

I apparently set out to write three things, but seeing as it’s taken me like 6 months to write this (I moved, ok), we’ll settle on 2 for now. Stay tuned for more irritations~